Date #18--The Theorist

It's 8:15 on a Friday night, and I am meeting someone called the Theorist on the Lower East Side to have Japanese appetizers and sake at Satsko. Ever since he first mentioned this idea, I have been super amped to eat. So I make it to the place just a couple of minutes after our set time. The Theorist has texted me that he is already there and sitting inside and just to call him when I arrive. I do so accordingly, and he tells me that he is sitting at the table to the right just as you walk inside. We hang up. I take a deep breath and enter, and I immediately see him sitting against the wall. I apologize for being a bit late and ask him if he's been waiting long. He seems casual. He doesn't get up to hug me like most of the guys, but I don't particularly mind it. He tells me he's been there about ten minutes. I take my seat and start looking at the menu. I tell him it all sounds good and that we should order one of everything.

I notice that the Theorist is already well situated and is currently working on a sake. He says, “Order a drink.” I scan the menu, and it’s overwhelming. Everything looks so good. I’m not much of an expert on sake so when the waitress comes over, I find myself fumbling to find a choice. Finally she asks, “Would you like a recommendation?” Relieved, I say, “Yes, what do you recommend?” She asks, “What are you thinking of--a sake, cocktail, beer, wine…?” I say, “A cocktail.” She says the Sake-tini is phenomenal. I’m an easy sale so I immediately say that’s what I would like. The Theorist and I then scan the menu to try and decide what we would like to eat. It all looks so good. I seriously do find myself wanting to order one of everything, but luckily the Theorist is there to provide balance, and he suggests the sushi/sashimi platter which has a little bit of everything. I say, “Sounds great!” And I mean it.

Now that the logistics of the food are out of the way, I start getting to know the Theorist. He is in his second year of studying law in Brooklyn. He’s from New Jersey originally. He tells me him and his friends have a hard time watching “Law and Order” these days because some of the terminology in the lawyer portions of the show are off. I find this to be humorous and enlightening. I go onto ask what his favorite lawyer show is then because there are so many. He thinks for a moment contemplating it seriously and then answers, “You think just because I’m a law student all I watch are lawyer shows? What’s that about, Carole?” Okay, I like it. I like that pretty soon into the conversation I know the Theorist is sarcastic and playful. I also like that he uses my name in the sentence. I will definitely admit that this is a little quirk of mine. I love it when people address other people with their name frequently and at random for effect. In fact, it kind of annoys me if a person never ever uses my name at all which has happened before, and I think it’s a bit odd. So when the Theorist says my name, it kind of catches my attention. I counter by saying, “Well, I study psychology, and I know for a fact that I like watching movies with psychologists and stuff.” The Theorist says, “Like Silence of the Lambs?” “Silence of the Lambs” deals more with an FBI agent than a psychologist, but yeah Hannibal Lecter was definitely C to the razy.

I like talking with the Theorist so far. It’s easy, fun, and high energy. He’s a good talker. The sushi/sashimi platter arrives, and it looks decadently divine as far as sushi goes at least. Let’s face it. You could have a platter with 1,000 pieces of sushi, and it still would never in all honesty look fattening, and that’s what I love about it, but as far as platters go, ours has a little of everything, and we dig in joyously. We continue talking, and naturally the topic of dating comes up. The Theorist tells me a funny story about how he came to be on match.com. Apparently since he’s really busy with school, his mom and his brother decided to chip in and get it for him for his last birthday. I find this to be laugh out loud funny, and definitely the most original answer I’ve heard so far. This guy didn’t even make the decision to go on match.com, but since it was a gift he decided what the hey. This appeals to me, too. He says he’s been on a few dates, and a couple of really bad dates in particular. In one instance, his date got so drunk that she pretty much passed out, and he had to bring her back to his apartment to sleep it off. The worst part was that the next day she said she didn’t have any money to get back home and asked him for some cash. Who does that? In other instances he’s had to deal with the “we’re in an instant relationship after one date” type scenario. I guess everyone meets those types on match.com. On one date, he said he even met a girl who was incredibly marriage minded and said she expected to have a ring on her finger within a certain amount of time. Hey, more power to her for pursuing what she wants aggressively, but seriously isn’t that just a bit too intense for what match.com is and what it represents? Afterall, it’s not Eharmony.

I don’t know how to describe it, but I like what I’ve heard from the Theorist so far. I like his opinions on approaching dating and especially online dating. I like that he thinks one date is too soon to determine if you want to marry someone or not. And I like that he is busy with school and friends and a life. He’s pretty decent, but in a good way which is I believe what they usually use the word cool to describe. In an obvious turn of the conversation, he reciprocates and asks me how many dates I’ve been on since joining match.com. I say, “A few.” He laughs and replies, “What’s a few, like 30 or 40?” I say, “No,” and I think for a bit. This is the turning point. Everything is so easy and honest so far, and it’s always in the initial build-up to this topic that I determine if I should tell the guy about my blog or not. Obviously it’s rarely felt natural and normal in the past. In fact, so far the Cuban is the only one I ever let it just glide out with and of course the Blogger because he was a blogger as well, but I’m getting the feeling the Theorist might be the same. And so I say, “Not 30 or 40. I’ve been on 17. You’re the 18th.” The Theorist says, “Oh really,” a bit surprised but I think actually intrigued. I go on and tell him that it’s my feeling that if you pay for a service you may as well get your money’s worth, and in turn the more dates you go on, the higher the likelihood is that you’ll actually meet someone you really click with. There is absolute total truth in these statements for me, and since the Theorist seems to be going with it, I go onto divulge my whole dating thesis about relationships forming naturally and organically, about approaching the dates with no expectation of anything more than a date, about hoping to meet cool people just to start with being new to the city and expanding from there, and about how I think men and women are truly different and how dating is proving that point to me ever so clearly with each new one. The Theorist says, “Let me tell you something, Carole.” There it is with the name factor again. He continues, “You’re cool.” That’s flattering because I’m actually finding as I said previously that the Theorist is quite cool himself. He even goes onto say that the more we talk, he sort of feels I’m like a female version of him. We share a lot of commonalities and similar viewpoints. It’s fun talking to him.

Once a pause emerges amidst the talking and the eating and drinking, the Theorist tells me I should write a book. He tells me that he finds my views fascinating. When guys say this, I think what catches their fancy is the fact that my views are a little unconventional from the average everyday woman, and yet they are still firmly grounded in the female perspective to love and be loved and not settle for anything less than earth shaking romance. In any event, I find it interesting that his reaction is so similar to the Cuban’s so many dates ago, and in some regards I feel as though I am having the same conversation. It’s not bad, just trippy, and at that moment that’s when I know our interaction will be similar. I say, “Well, actually I am currently keeping a blog. I decided to go on 50 first dates when I moved to New York City so that’s what I’m doing right now…and you’re number 18.” I take a breath to see what his reaction will be, and he laughs. I think he’s surprised, but he’s not put off at least from what I can tell. He wants to know everything, and he loves the concept of it. He doesn’t mind that he’s a number on a blog. Okay, this guy might have potential. He even has a theory that I find to be compelling myself and thus the evolution of his name. He says, “You do realize that if you do meet a guy that you actually want to date after all of this, it’ll be someone you meet in the first 7 or the last 7.” Hmm…he’s the first person to postulate such a precise formula in all of this. This is the first reason it catches my attention, and obviously the second reason is because The Cuban was number 8, and I have to know more what he means by this, and so I say, “Why do you say that?” He says, “Because anyone you meet in the middle is just going to get lost in the mix.” It’s interesting that according to his theory, that would include him, but he’s a good sport and willing to continue playing along. I think his theory holds water, but like with any observations about my social experiment, it will have to be proven over time. But the reasons I can see it being valid are because when I did start this project my perspective was that I was fresh and excited and actively trying to meet someone. Lately, as has been displayed, some of the dates have started to feel more like work, and with the addition of the Cuban I do sometimes anticipate the end of my project, and yet on dates such as these I remember why I am still enjoying doing it and why I am still not closing the door on all of my options. The reason I could see the last 7 coming into play is because at that point I think my perspective will be similar to how it was in the beginning. I will be enthusiastic to reach the finish line, and I think I will be more open and once again seeking an out of this world connection. But only time and the continuing unfolding of the dates will tell which path my heart will follow. Plus, 7 is such an odd number. I would more readily completely buy into his theory if maybe it were the first 10 and the last 10 and maybe if #18 wasn’t turning out to be so cool.

Once our meal is complete, we order a third round of drinks. The Theorist has been drinking sake, and I have to say the waitress gave an excellent recommendation on the sake-tini. It’s delicious and flavored with lychee. It’s getting later in the night, and the place is really starting to fill up and get louder. In fact, the table next to us is filled with these four 9-5er type guys who are doing sake bombs. They are chanting really loudly and pounding the table before each round. It’s not exactly the most romantic circumstance, but it is entertaining. And then the topic of religion comes up. This is usually something I stay away from unless I am clicking with the guy, and it’s something I feel comfortable bringing up. It turns out the Theorist is Christian, but again he’s a lot like me. He’s extremely liberal, and obviously while we are sitting here downing sake on a Friday night isn’t a total stickler. I’ve always known that being Christian but very off the beaten track, it’s going to be quite challenging for me to find just the right guy because in a way you can never make either side happy, and in turn neither side truly completes you. For example, I don’t click with the super duper Christian fanatics just because I don’t believe in their policies on judging or that it’s my place to try and convert people, and I truly believe life is meant to be enjoyed so I don’t really restrict myself from too much in the way of how I want to live. That being said, whenever non-Christian guys hear the word Christian it totally freaks them out, and I know it’s because of the interactions they’ve had with the hardcore people. So I’ve always felt that if I ever met a guy like me, he would be worth considering. Thus, when the Theorist talks about religion and says basically everything I have just recounted for myself, it appeals to me. He’s someone I could go to church with and share that but also someone I could go to a sushi restaurant and have sake with or a number or other things.

Truth be told, religion is something that has been coming up with the Cuban a bit lately. When I first met him, he told me that he had grown up in the Catholic Church, and he still believes in it, but he has a lot of qualms with organized religion. I think this is fair. Most people do, but in the beginning he was so supportive. He would pick me up after church for one of our dates, and there was no self consciousness even though I knew it was something we would never do together. However, lately he’s been making a lot of negative comments towards religion in general, and I just don’t know where it’s coming from. I sometimes wonder if when you’re dating someone and something comes up that you don’t necessarily like about them or that you feel is missing, when you meet someone who does have those qualities if it starts to make that person more appealing simply because of that or because you actually like them. I don’t know if it’s because there’s been tension with the Cuban lately or because I do truly like the Theorist, but I would be willing to find out. This is a bit groundbreaking, but the Theorist is the first guy outside of the Cuban who I would be willing to go on a second date with. He is interesting and intelligent and sarcastic and witty, and for all intents and purposes he seems to get me which I’m beginning to realize more and more is not the easiest thing to come by in my world.

The sake bombers next to us are preparing to leave, and as they do we all make eye contact, and one of them says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help notice you two the whole night. Is this a date because I feel really terrible for how loud we’ve been?” We laugh and tell them not to worry about it, that it was entertaining. The guys joke that if I could make it through a date like that and still be interested in the Theorist, he must be the one. One of them jokes that he’s an ordained minister, and he can marry us on the spot if we want. It’s all such a funny situation. And it makes me think about marriage. I sometimes wonder how long my courtship will be. I like to think that I’ll be practical and really get to know the person, but I also know that I have a really impetuous side, and when I meet the man I want to marry my feelings will more than likely be instantaneous. Two of my brothers married their wives after 7 months of dating. One got divorced five years later, and the other one has now been married for 10 years. I think it just goes to show you that passion is one thing, and if you’re sharing it with the right person, you don’t need a lot of time to cultivate it and be sure, but if it’s not the right person, no amount of time will ever make it right. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 7 years, and at the end of the day it was never going to be right. So who knows? Someday I might find myself walking past a chapel in Vegas and getting married on a whim to a guy I’ve been dating for 7 months, but on this particular night I prefer to just enjoy the sake and the laughs.

The Theorist is candid and asks me if I have a date the following day. I honestly tell him that I do, and he says very genuinely that he doesn’t want to keep me out too late then. It’s so weird, but now that all the cards are laid on the table, this actually feels similar to my first date with the Cuban. The Theorist is just so supportive and intrigued, and who knows, I just might see him again. After we leave the restaurant, we start walking towards the subway, and I realize that the one I need to take is in the opposite direction of the Theorist’s. We decide to part on a street corner, and he says he’s gonna go home and read my blog. It makes me a bit nervous in trying to figure out how I will write about him knowing he will read every word of it, but I know that I will be honest and forthright and simply call the date as it was from my perspective. Another thing I liked about the Theorist is that he joked or maybe not that he’s going to start a similar project from the male’s perspective and go on 50 first dates. I think I would be like number 6 or 7 for him. Hmm…well, if his theory does have any merit, that just might bode well for me, but we don’t have to figure all of that out tonight. Instead it ends casually as it began. He says, “So call me if you want.” I say, “Yeah, I had a good time. Maybe I will.” With that we go our separate ways, and on the walk home I try to figure out what exactly it is I’m still searching for.

Satsko: http://www.satsko.com/