The Good Guy and The Bad Boy

Everyone knows the whole good guy/bad boy syndrome. This was basically the idea behind my very first post where I talked about the concept of there being two types of men in the world. There's the bad boy that your parents warned you about, and there's the good guy that you are supposed to bring home to mom and dad and marry. In the end, there are always the bad boys who want to be good guys but are always gonna have a bit of a bad streak except in certain occasions where they meet a girl who makes them finally rethink everything and change their ways. And there's the good guy who wants to be a bad boy because he knows that's what girls are drawn to, but at the end of the day he's always gonna be a good guy and do the right thing. If you think about it, so many of Hollywood's depictions of the love dilemma present these two polar opposite characters who are both so appealing in their own ways and who inevitably both have deficits and shortcomings. Afterall, no one is perfect. Even Prince Charming had his faults. It's just that in fairy tales, there's never an epilogue to show you what happens the next day.

Obviously, I have already talked extensively about Sex and the City, and we know that Big and Aidan represent the two types of men, and obviously in the end Carrie cannot rest until she succeeds at taming the Bad Boy. Also, in Bridget Jones' Diary, Bridget is torn as well between the outrageously charming Daniel Cleaver portrayed to a tee by Hugh Grant and Mark Darcy who at first seems stiff and a bit of a bore but who turns out to be such the perfect guy for her even in the very last shot when she thinks he is running away from her only to find out that he's just gone to buy her a new diary. Such a sweetheart so obviously this is a story of epic proportions where the nice guy does not finish last. And aah yes, there was always 90210 to complete the trilogy with their presentation of the dueling James Dean prototypes. There was Brandon who was always the dutiful son, the class President, the loyal friend, the hardworking Peach Pit employee. And then there was Dylan who was the angst ridden teenage alcoholic later turned drug addict trust fund baby who almost got Brenda pregnant in the first season. But let's face it. Kelly Taylor, portrayed excellently for 10 years by the unflappable Jennie Garth, was the real center of attention between these guys. And the thing is she could never make a real and valid decision. She was with Dylan because he was calm, cool, dangerous, and always unreliable, and she was with Brandon because he was comforting, understanding, supportive, and so willing to change her bandages after she was in the house fire. Okay, I do realize I was waaay into this show in my teen years, and the remnants are still very apparent. But my point in all of this is that she liked Brandon for all of the practical reasons and because he was a great guy, and she liked Dylan for all of the impractical reasons and because he was such a stud. It actually came to the point where she found the choice to be impossible to make, and she let both of them go. I'm with you on that, Kelly. I was much the same throughout the series. When it first came on, I was absolutely smitten with Brandon. He was just so nice, and he treated everyone so well, and he seemed like he would be the perfect boyfriend, but somewhere around season 3 I just totally flipped for Dylan, and I was in love with his devil may care attitude and his rebelliousness.

I guess you could say this has been a lifelong dilemma in what I'm ultimately searching for. Obviously my immediate gut instinct is that I want a nice guy. I really, really do. My ex-boyfriend who I was madly in love with for many years was seriously like one of the nicest people you will ever meet. There wasn't a mean or malicious or spiteful bone in his body. He wasn't edgy at all. People tell me I seem nice and bubbly all the time, but let me tell you something. That guy totally made me pale in comparison as far as just overall niceness goes, and that's what I liked about him. And yet it's ironic that almost hands down every single guy who I have liked or gone after outside of him were totally the bad boy types. Ya know, in a band, smoked a lot of pot, non-commital, rebellious, dating 5 girls at once types, enough issues to make me want to give them a magazine rack. So there's something that inevitably kept attracting me to those guys who I was never gonna be with. It's simple really. Most of the time, the bad boys are a lot of fun, and I think if you approach it as just enjoying it for the fun time that it is and being prepared to happily move along once it's run its course, you could actually have a fun couple of months. It's only when you start to get invested and start wanting to be the girl that can make that unattainable guy rethink things that you can get let down really fast.

In a final bit of pop culture reference material, are you at all familiar with the song "Unsent" by Alanis Morissette? The truth is I've never been a humongoid fan of Alanis, but this was always my favorite song of hers. The concept is basically that she's writing a letter to each of the guys who has been in her life, and they basically represent every scenario most girls will ever encounter. One guy is the guy who's already in a relationship with someone who you can't be with. Yep, been there. One guy is the guy who's way too into sexual experimentation so you can never really form anything deeper than that. Yep, been there. And then she writes to the bad boy that we all know and love:

"Dear Jonathan, I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves, and you were plenty self-destructive for my tastes at the time. I used to say the more tragic the better. The truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday."

This guy totally reminds me of the Cuban.

And then she writes to the good guy that we also grow to know and love and appreciate so much:

"Dear Terrance, I love you muchly. You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me. I kept drawing you in and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time. You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me?"

This guy totally reminds me of the Brit. Yeah, I'll second your emotion, Alanis. What is wrong with me?

The final letter she writes is to that one guy who it didn't work out with but who will always have a part of you on a deeper level even when they're no longer in your life:

"Dear Lou, We learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time, and I understand that as I do you. The long distance thing was the hardest, and we did as well as we could. We were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. I will always have your back and be curious about you, about your career your whereabouts."

This guy totally reminds me of my ex--the Pianist. But enough about that, and enough of me blatantly showcasing that I am way over the top a total pop culture junkie.

The reason I felt compelled to write this entry is because you're probably wondering what the latest status update with the Brit is. So when we last left off, I had sent a little letter of my own asking him to make a choice because remaining in limbo was quite simply taking its toll on both of us. On the Sunday after we stopped talking, I had been in Brooklyn for a birthday brunch, and I passed by the street where he lived on my way home, and it totally made me think of him and want to jump off of the bus and go hang out with him for the rest of the day, but I didn't. Instead, that night I wrote him a simple email just saying that I missed him but that I wasn't trying to rush his decision at all. Rather, I was happy he was taking the time to actually assess what was right and healthiest for him in this moment in time. I am almost sure I won't hear back from him, and I continue to wonder what he is thinking.

On Wednesday morning I open my email, and much to my surprise there is a response letter from the Brit in my inbox. This part is the most nerve racking. It always is--that moment where you have posed a question, and you really care about the answer, but you're totally uncertain how the person will respond. That is the worst moment, but I click on it, and much to my surprise he has written me a very long and detailed response. I immediately start reading it. The Brit, as always, is so open with his emotions and feelings. He is able to express himself so well in writing both literally and figuratively. A guy who can write has always been a major league turn on to me so he definitely has that going for him. In a nutshell, he basically tells me that he has chosen option #2 which just to remind you is the plan to take a break for about a month while I finish my blog and basically do what I need to do, and then we'll see each other and see where we're at with everything. I am so over the top thrilled that he has chosen this option. This was my favorite as opposed to continuing to try to see each other and try to balance everything and watch it crash and burn so painfully like it did with the Cuban or to just go our separate but friendly ways forever. I am so happy that he's leaving the option open that we may be able to see each other and still have that electric chemistry and start dating again when we are closer to a similar emotional place and mindset. It's my feeling that if our chemistry and compatibility is this good and strong, it'll still be there in a month, but I can understand and sympathize with the Brit's reluctance. A lot can happen in a month, and obviously you never know who you might meet on a given day or a given date, and that goes for both of us. It's almost like playing with fate in a way, and I am sane enough to admit that I know this is not a movie with a guarantee of a happy ending, but I guess it's pretty important to me to see what I finish learning because if it wasn't there would be nothing stopping me from being cuddled up with the Brit at this very moment. I write back just to say that I'm super happy he picked #2, and I also say that he makes me feel really balanced and stable. These are qualities that I think often get trumped by impulsiveness and impetuousness. I tell him that I think I brought out the impulsiveness in my ex-boyfriend, and the Cuban was definitely impulsive, and what I'm realizing is that maybe I need someone more like the Brit.

I've always felt that timing is an interesting thing, and I do read into little things when they happen. I don't know if my reading is always accurate. In fact, it isn't always, but I think there is sometimes some kind of cosmic energy or psychic bond between people, if you will, that makes things happen that are more than just mere coincidence. It's interesting that I receive the Brit's letter on Wednesday, April 21 because that is the one year anniversary of when my dad died. I was expecting the day to bring obvious feelings of sadness, but it's almost like a gift when I receive his letter first thing in the morning. It's almost like a virtual wave of calmness washes over me, and even though I am not able to be vulnerable with the Brit and let him be there for me, I feel as though he is with me in some small way. But do you wanna hear the even stranger thing? So that night I'm sitting in the library studying, and I hear a text message come through on my phone. I'm wondering who it could be when I pick it up, and I see that it's from the Cuban.

It simply reads, "Hey, are you near your apt.? Wanna grab something to eat?" This is crazy. You don't even understand how crazy and weird the timing is. He hasn't initiated hanging out and going to "grab a bite to eat" in three and a half months, and then on the one day when I'm thinking about my dad and feeling a little sad, he shows up. I write back telling him that I'm actually not at home, and that this next month is super busy with school and everything but that I'd love to catch up sometime. He writes back that it's no worries. I remember he had randomly checked in with me back in March via email. He had just written asking if I was getting super excited about traveling this summer, and I remember I mentioned that I was but that I had been feeling a bit down because the one year anniversary of my dad's death was approaching the next month. I remember he wrote back and was just super nurturing and supportive. Granted I saw this side when we first began dating, and I first started getting to know him. I don't in any way think he's two faced, but he definitely has two distinct sides that he's able to go into and out of, and it was always such a treat when I would see this tender, sensitive side to him because it was so genuine and honest and lovely in a way to see this guy who was such a sort of bad boy in a way still have this devotion and love to his family and be able to be sympathetic with regards to feelings of loss. I remember on that particular day he had written about how he sees his own dad getting older, and it guts him, but we just have to strive to be the best people we can so that we can make them proud. I remember I had written back to him that when I met his parents it was pretty apparent to me that they were extremely proud of him. Ya see, for all of the devil may care attributes that the Cuban has, I do genuinely think he's very accomplished in his career and he respects his parents and basically he does want to create a family built on solidarity and love one day when he meets the woman that is just right for his life.

So it's on this Wednesday in particular that I feel comfortable telling him that it's the one year anniversary of my dad's death, and it was a nice surprise to hear from him, and it kind of cheered me up a bit. He writes back just to work hard in school and make my dad proud. Again he's super supportive. I text back, "I'm gonna call you one of these days when you least expect it. Actually it won't be that much of a surprise. It'll be when I finish my blog because I wanna hear about all of your crazy dates." I jokingly write this because I've been kidding him all along that once things are finally off the record, he can finally tell me EVERYTHING about his love life. He ends by saying, "It might be nice to make a cameo before you're done just to prove that in life's journey men and women really can be friends." It's at this point that I'm convinced he really has been reading my blog all along, but I doubt he would ever admit it at least not while I'm still writing it. I write back, "I would like that. I think my readers would like that, too. You were always so popular." He writes back simply, "Haha...it took two to make the story, Darling." Charming as always. In a way, I think the Cuban and I have formed a real and natural friendship. I think enough time has passed that if and when we do hang out in person, there won't really be any awkwardness. I am actually curious to see what it's like though. He's a heck of a lot of fun to talk to, and that's one thing I miss. I miss talking to him, and now I really miss talking to the Brit, too.

So I'm officially 4/5 of the way through my 50 first dates in NYC. It's the homestretch as they say in baseball. What is left to learn? Who is left to meet? I guess only time will tell when the perfect time to end this all will be. And in the end, the good guy/bad boy dilemma does still plague me on some level. I'm smart enough now to at least know when to move on if I see it's not gonna work out with a bad boy, but am I smart enough to stay put if I see it might actually work out with a good guy?