On Second Thought...

OKAY, Okay, okay, so I do realize that I've spent an awful lot of time making snap judgments and weeding out the men in this whole process and pretty quick to proclaim that if there's chemistry you feel it right away and if not you should quickly move on in order to free both of you up to find the right one. Well, after 50 first dates in NYC, I have to contend that I still agree with most of that, but I think the one surprising thing I did discover is that sometimes you need to take a second look at something. Not every kind of chemistry has the thunderbolt pop that I shared with the Cuban. I didn't even feel that with the Brit, but rather it was more of an intriguing, impending pop waiting to occur. Thus, there were three guys for various random reasons that I thought I would give a second look at--mainly because I was drawn to some aspect of them and also because they followed up and pursued me as well. Here is what I found upon second glance.

Something Old
As you'll recall I went out with Food Guy at the very end of January on date #23. My conclusion at the end of the date was that I was attracted to him, he was a lot of fun, but he was very relationship oriented, and I told him that if we were both still single when I finished my dates we should go out again. Much to my surprise, he waited patiently and got in contact ironically on April 11 which was the same day I went Speed Dating for the second time. He texted me as I was waiting for the Brit to arrive at the Delancey, and I found it so intriguing that every time I am thinking of one guy, another one appears. Maybe this really is God's way of saying very loudly, "Hey, nothing ever has to be final, and there are always options so choose wisely, but don't worry about such catastrophic thinking as ever and never entails." I finally had a free Friday on May 7 so I suggested that we go out. We meet up after work at Haru which is a sushi restaurant near Times Square. I'm waiting on the outside when I see him approach. Even though over three months has passed he looks the same. I still find him to be attractive. He seems really happy to see me. We hug, and we go inside and eat a fabulous sushi meal. It's over dinner upon second inspection of Food Guy that I don't think he's a perfect match for me. He's great. He's funny, and he has a good job in marketing, but he's a little too traditional for me. I also didn't notice it before, but he speaks very low. This restaurant is not that loud, but I find myself having to ask him to repeat most things he says. This is a bit troublesome.

After dinner he has arranged for us to go to the Laurie Beechman Theatre where on Friday nights they do an open mic night for people who want to sing Broadway tunes. We have some time to kill so we end up going in the giant Toys R' Us in Times Square. It's the one with the huge ferris wheel in the middle. This is actually a lot of fun walking around and looking at all the toys. I make him go through the Barbie section with me. Later on we find some hula hoops. I get really excited and start hula hooping around. Food Guy has this really impressed look on his face. I'm pretty impressed, too. I haven't hula hooped in ages so I'm surprised that I still remember or that my hips remember at least. Food Guy doesn't get in on the act, and this is another thing that alarms me. I need a guy that can play with the toys as well. Afterwards, we go to the theater, and the show is great. It's totally an amateur night for people aspiring to be on Broadway. It's like a weird fusion between American Idol and a karaoke bar but all centered around show tunes and very, very NYC. I love it. Food Guy and I have a great time and some apple martinis, and we stay for the whole thing until around 2 am.

Once the show is over it's late, but it's Friday night, and I say we should totally go to the McDonald's in Times Square. It's the unmistakeable one with flashy neon lights, and it's featured in the background of the Jay-Z video Empire State of Mind. We go in just for kicks, and Food Guy orders some Chicken McNuggets, and he buys me a Hamburger Happy Meal. This McDonald's is so cool because each seat along the wall is equipped with it's own personal TV screen playing music videos. Honestly I think sitting here with Food Guy eating this late night junk food and playing with the matchbox car from the Happy Meal in the middle of Times Square is the most random and fun part of the whole date for me, and I have to give him major props for it, but it's later at the subway stop as Food Guy is waiting with me for my train to come that he says, "I really want to kiss you right now," and he goes in for a kiss, and we make out for a bit near the pillar, and we release and I realize that I just don't feel anything for him. They say that sometimes all you need is the kiss to tell, and sometimes I think what they say is true. My heart doesn't skip a beat. I don't feel all tingly inside. I'm not into it. Food Guy is not the one, but I'm glad I took the time to find out. What I realize is that he had the misfortune of coming on the scene in the month following my letdown with the Cuban. I was looking for someone to light up my life again and fill the void, and frankly any guy who made me laugh more than a little would have peaked my interest but not because I was really into the guy but because he took my mind off of the disappointment with the Cuban. A rebound in a way I guess you could say. He writes me the next day saying that he had a great time and that he'd like to do it again. I write back that I think it would be better if we went the friendship route. He writes back that he understands, but he thinks we should just do our own thing. It's too bad because I thought he was really cool, but I know the feeling so well.

Haru: http://www.harusushi.com/
Laurie Beechman Theatre: http://www.beechmantheatre.com/
McDonald's Times Square: http://www.mcdonaldstimessquare.com/

Something True
The Hapa is a guy I met on date #28 the day before Valentine's Day. He had impressed me in the fact that his racial make-up matched me to a tee. He had also lived abroad in Japan for several years, and the fact that he was a bohemian/traveler/wanderer in the way that I am intrigued me very much. The reservations I had were that he was not particularly jolly or upbeat or high energy. In fact, he was very stereotypically New York in the regard of being a bit cynical and jaded. I thought it was worth a second glance just because hapas are so hard to come by, and we had kept in touch sporadically since our date in mid-February. I finally ask him to hang out with me again on the first Saturday in May. I suggest going to the Studio Museum in Harlem but before that maybe grabbing some of the great, tasty food that Harlem is known for. Of course, I am thinking of some delicious soul food from either Sylvia's or Amy Ruth's. I have heard that both are great, but before I can throw those out there, he writes back saying he thinks it's a good idea as long as we don't go to the "overhyped Sylvia's." Okay, now it's coming back to me. He's totally anti-commercialism and things that are in tourist guide books. I'm quite sure Sylvia's and Amy Ruth's are in a Lonely Planet on Harlem somewhere.

I agree to let him pick the place, and we end up going to a hole in the wall Senagalese restaurant. I'm actually really excited because this is totally off the beaten track, and I've definitely never had food from Senegal before. This place which is located in Harlem is so rustic it doesn't even have a menu. There are simply two choices given straight from the mouth of the waitress who is probably also the daughter of the owner. It's a total family establishment. I love it. The food comes, and it's spicy but very tasty, and the Hapa and I enjoy the meal very much. We also catch up on the past two and a half months in our lives. The Hapa still has not found a job, but he's been doing a lot of screenwriting. I tell him I've almost finished my 50 first dates. He tells me I should write a book. I end up telling him about my blog. After the meal, we walk around Harlem until we make it to the museum. The museum is interesting. It features art from African American artists, and it's bigger than I thought it would be. I have to say that I absolutely love Harlem. I think it's so flavorful and not like other parts of Manhattan. I know from speaking with the Hapa who grew up in NYC that it's changed tons in the past few years and is obviously a lot safer, but I love the West African influence that's present there now.

After the museum, we end up in a corner shop that sells coffee. The Hapa gets one, and I get a tea, and we sit and talk, and he gets really into the idea of turning my blog into a movie. He says one idea is that you could get all these famous comic actors to portray the different dates like Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell or Steve Carrell. Hmm...that's an interesting take on it. Kind of a different direction than I was imagining, but I'm open. It's while we're talking that I start to realize that we're falling into the friendship zone super quickly. It's nothing purposeful or premeditated, but I just don't feel anything romantic going on at this table in this little West African cafe. And I'm okay with that. I think you know when there's an overpowerful flirtation drawing you both to the center, a magnetic pull if you will. Instead I just feel like I'm chilling out with a pal, a chum, a buddy. It's later on when the Hapa writes to me that I write back that I kind of felt like we were falling into the friendship zone, and I think that's great because I can always use a good friend in a place like New York. So in a way we don't ever really have the talk, and I do think it's case by case. With some people, less is more.

Studio Museum Harlem: http://www.studiomuseum.org/

Something Borrowed
Sitcom Guy had been hanging out in the periphery of my mind since he became my date #30 around the end of February. Like Food Guy having the misfortune of following the Cuban, I think Sitcom Guy's main misfortune was that he came directly before the Brit. Unlike with Food Guy, by the time I met both the Sitcom Guy and the Brit I was a couple of months removed from the situation with the Cuban and genuinely ready to make a new connection solely for its own value and not just to try to replace something else. Thus Sitcom Guy was less persistent than the Brit. He agreed to wait until I was winding down my dates before going on a follow up, but he patiently checked in with me sporadically and from time to time for around two months. When he finally asked me if I'd like to accompany him to a Korean wedding in the Asian part of Queens, I found it to be the most outrageous follow up date I'd ever been offered, and I had to say yes.

I meet up with Sitcom Guy at the train station near my apt. When I see him approaching, he looks just like before--calm and cute and very approachable. Plus, he's in a suit, and he looks very handsome. I'm all dressed up as well, and we definitely look a bit over the top for the 7 train to Flushing at 6 pm on a Saturday evening. In any event, it's a long ride out there, and we have a lot of time to catch up. The immediate thing I notice is that it's incredibly easy to just slide back into bantering with him. It doesn't feel like almost 3 months has passed. He's goofy and sarcastic, and we laugh a lot on our ride. We go to the wedding which is for one of his friends from high school who he hasn't seen in years, but when we get there it's literally like a class reunion. All of his friends from back in the day are there, and I get introduced around. The funny thing was that on the train, Sitcom Guy asked how we should say we met. I replied, "Match.com. Why are you embarrassed?" He says, "No, but I just wanted to make sure you were okay with that." I am, but then it dawns on me that it would be great fun to make up this elaborate story, and so we do. We decide that we will say I was asking for directions to the Frick because that's where we had our first date while he was running in Central Park.

The wedding is beautiful and in Korean and so neat to get to see. The bride looks radiant. In fact, both the bride and groom are this adorable, little Korean couple, and I joke to Sitcom Guy that I just want to put them in my pocket and carry them around. He laughs. At the reception afterwards, we're eating appetizers and socializing, and I end up talking to one of his friends from high school who's a girl, and she asks how we met, and I go into full on acting mode pulling up the directions story, and he totally overhears and joins in, and we are off and running with this role play, and at this moment I realize how much I like being undercover. The rest of the reception is awesome. When the bouquet toss comes up, I can't get to the center of the floor fast enough. I totally catch the bouquet of this random Korean girl who I have never ever met. Sitcom Guy is totally proud that I'm taking one for the team. The rest of the reception is filled with dancing and drinking, and I have an absolute great time at this shindig. Sitcom Guy asks me if I want to go to karaoke after the reception. It's totally random, but I really, really want to.

We hop a cab back to Manhattan and end up in K-Town where you can rent your own private room. We go to about four places before we finally find one without a wait. We go in the room, and it's awesome. There's a tamborine, microphones, and a huge songbook with every pop tune you could possbily imagine. We proceed to sing for a good two hours. It's awesome. It reminds me of when I used to go over to my ex-boyfriend's apartment and make him play tunes on the piano, and we would literally sing for hours, and I think about how me and the Brit had started doing that with his guitar, and it's here in this karaoke room that I start to realize that this is something I definitely look for in a guy. If I'm able to sing with a guy whether with an instrument or at karaoke or in the car, I think we're halfway there to making a real and solid match. Sitcom Guy is the consummate gentleman, and he doesn't try to kiss me even though we have the privacy of the karaoke room, but he does put his arm around me, and I can sense that he's thinking of it, and there's something about him that I just like, and unlike with Food Guy or the Hapa I'm not able to dismiss him so easily after a second glance nor am I able to qualify him so quickly as with the Cuban or even the Brit. He is falling into a very gray area that is just undefinable right now.

Gagopa Karaoke: http://nymag.com/listings/bar/gagopa-karaoke/

Something Cu...bano that is.
And now we come to the Cuban. I couldn't conclude my blog without seeing him again and in a way figuring out what really happened between us and maybe in a phrase specifically answering the question of if men and women can be friends or if people who have dated before can just be friends or if me and the Cuban can really just be friends. So it's Friday night, and we are meeting for sushi. The Cuban had requested that I pick the place so I choose the Sushi Lounge which is on St. Marks at the tip of Alphabet City. We're both coming from work--me from Midtown and him from the Financial District. I instruct him to take the 6 train to Astor, and he can walk from there, and I'll meet him at the restaurant at 6:30 pm. As usual I'm running a few minutes behind, and I'm almost sure he's gonna be pissed so I barrel up the stairs and try to get oriented. I see the direction I need to head in, and I start to pass the crosswalk when I feel someone jerk my arm, and I turn, and it's him. Man oh man, what a sight for sore eyes. After four and a half months, there the Cuban is. He's just come from the office so he has on this button down blue shirt, and he looks good. He looks really, really good even better than I remember actually. I say, "Hey, you scared me." He's laughing and very pleased with himself. He says, "You looked so serious. You were in hot pursuit of your destination." We do the Cuban kiss on the side of the mouth thing. I say, "Well, yeah, I was running late, and I thought you were gonna be pissed." He laughs.

It turns out he doesn't know this area that well at all so he lets me lead, and it suddenly seems that something has shifted from when we first met seven months ago, and I didn't know north from south and definitely didn't know where to get a decent sushi meal. As we're walking, we immediately start talking, and it's fun, it's fresh, it's alive. It's really, really great to see him in such a good mood after the last one we left each other in. We catch up on his job and his music (he's learning the flute), and everything else in between. We pass by some garbage bags. He pretends he's going to shove me in. I swing him around and try to do the same. Damn, why is this guy so much fun? Eventually we reach Avenue A, and there Sushi Lounge is in a fluorescent yellow building calling out to us. We get seated, and we start looking at the menu. He puts his over mine so I can't see mine. He's such a child. I love it. I threaten to punch him. We order our sushi. I get some tako-yaki. He asks me what that is. I tell him it's octopus balls and that he should try it. He says no way, and then I tell him it's not really. It's just fried octopus, but it's in the shape of balls, but he doesn't believe me.

And then I say, "So I finished my 50 first dates." He says, "Wow, you finished right when you predicted, right around May." I say, "Yep, my last one was last Sunday." He listens very intently, and then he asks, "So what do think was the main thing you learned from the whole experience?" I think for a bit, and I say, "I think I learned lots, but I came away with 3 main points. 1. I learned that you don't have to know what it all means right now, and instead you should just enjoy it for what it is in the moment, and if it's not working you'll know and you can move on, and you'll be okay, but don't try to figure it all out before it happens. 2. I was curious about dating in a social setting that was so unique as that of NYC, but in the end serial dating is not for me. I want to form something real and meaningful with one person. 3. Dating really is just a number's game. Out of 50 men, there were 5 with potential, and I would say there were 2 with definite potential." He takes it all in, and I remember so clearly what it was I was always so drawn to in him. He is a guy that really is a fusion and really does have it all. He's so charismatic, but he's such a good listener, and he really wants to learn from anyone he's interacting with, and in the same token he's quite knowledgable. I would say he's street smart.

So I tell him that he really was different from the other guys I dated. I tell him that I dated a ton of corporate guys, and somehow there was just kind of a vacantness in them, and they were very business like, and he's different, and I do think that's why I was able to connect with him. He asks me about my worst dates, and I tell him some stories. He's engaged as always, and then I can't help myself. I say, "So what about you? How's your love life? Are you engaged?" He says, "What love life? I have no time." He then tells me about the schedule he's been keeping at work. When we parted ways in January, he really was entering busy season, and it seems he's barely had a spare moment since. Of course, he does still go out, but he's of the thought that those things just kind of happen naturally instead of seeking them out. By the way, the sushi is amazing. I love sharing this meal here with him. We are laughing the whole time, and it's so easy to just be with him. He is such a natural goofball which is incredibly hard to find. Most people have to try entirely too hard, and that's the thing that I really dig about him and really like about him. I tell him more than anything this past year I didn't feel balanced. It was fun dating and having so many random experiences, but I think now I'm ready to just kind of calm down a bit and enjoy the everyday moments of living in NYC and settle into a more serious relationship with someone. He takes it in maybe somehow seeing how I've come full circle and in other ways maybe not.

After dinner we're both heading back to the 6 train so we walk and talk. Eventually at the crosswalk, I can't help myself again, and I have to ask the one question that will give me closure. I ask, "So at what point did you realize we would be better as just friends?" He replies, "Do I have to answer that?" I say, "No." But he does. He says, "It was very soon after you did that whole 'break up' business. I could just see that you weren't grounded enough. Your curiosity and your thirst to discover everything is so great, and I'm the same way, but it was just too much. You didn't have anything weighting you down." There, he said it. I really was too complicated. And I feel this release because absolutely everything he's saying is true and what I've learned about myself in this project. I was too all over the map, and in many ways the Cuban is too, but I agree with him, and I say, "You're so right. Whoever I end up with is going to have to be stable as a rock because that's what I need." And in many ways, I think that's what the Cuban needs, too. We're too similar, and when you put us together a fire ignites, and as we've seen it's dangerous. Very, very fun but dangerous. Because the Cuban and I are so alike, in many ways I think he has an understanding of who I am and what I need in a way that most guys I've dated never have.

Once we reach the subway we have to part ways because we're going in different directions. I say, "So you think men and women can be friends?" He says, "I think so, but it takes two." This makes sense to me because I remember one time being on a train in Hong Kong with my friend from college Yoko, and I asked her if she thought me and my ex-boyfriend the Pianist would ever be normal friends. She said, "Sure, but I think it's up to you, and it's up to the Pianist." And in this moment, if I want to be friends with the Cuban I think it's up to him, and it's up to me, and I really, really do want to be friends with him. We get along so well. I don't know. There's just this energy between us, and he makes me laugh like not everyone can. Maybe it didn't work out between us, but after this dinner I truly believe it's not because the chemistry wasn't there or the attraction. Rather, I think we met at the wrong time, and we'll just have to remain as two passing ships in the night. But I like having him in my life, and if friendship is what it takes to keep him there then I could settle for that. He says, "Alright, Girl," and we do the Cuban kiss on the side of the mouth to say goodbye. As he's walking down the stairs I say, "I'll see ya in four and a half months." He says, "I asked you to go to dinner after three and a half months. You're the one who took a month to be free." I smile and say, "Okay, I'll see ya in three and a half months then," and I probably will. Gracias, El Cubano, and not just for giving me something great to write about.

Sushi Lounge: http://www.sushiloungenyc.com/