Addendum--A Woman's Right to Write

Hello Friends, Lovers, Neighbors, and Other Strangers,

I'm back. It's been awhile since I've posted a blog entry or even pulled up the function to create a new one. It's been over 13 months to be exact so I have to admit that this seems oddly surreal. Where we last left off I was skipping off on a Sunday afternoon to go meet the Brit to begin what would be the next long chapter in my New York experience completely off the page. You may ask then why am I suddenly back on the page. Well, there are a few reasons, but first I suppose I should give you a brief catch-up session. When I wrote my last blog entry, I was crazy about the Brit. I really had genuine faith that I had met the guy that would fulfill me on all levels. I didn't feel like I had to keep dating or writing about it any longer. I was happy on that Sunday afternoon, and I wish I could report that the whole scenario had been my happy ever after, but instead it turned out to be a life lesson, a growing pain and experience all at once, but above all a chapter that I neither regret nor hold as the be all end all in my life or this blog. Let me give you a quick little rundown.

So essentially we met up, we reconnected, it felt like magic, and we proceeded to spend an incredible summer together. We did everything two people on the path to togetherness do. We continued to explore the City, we spent Sundays in bed together, we met on our lunch breaks to steal little moments of our day away just for each other, and essentially we fell in love. At least, I know that he did because on July 4th while we were vacationing in Nicaragua, he blurted out those words--I love you. It was powerful and unexpected, and I don't really know if I was truly, fully in love with him just yet, but I said it back anyway. And speaking of Nicaragua, that's the other thing we did together. We traveled together. We went there, Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador. It was amazing because he was actually an excellent travel partner, and this truly delighted and impressed me because as you may know I am absolutely addicted to travel and can't really see myself being with someone who doesn't share that passion as well. It's even better yet if a guy is able to rough it and travel bare bones and really immerse himself into the cultural experience of it all. Anywho, the other thing that we also did throughout the course of the summer was that we fought. We fought really early on, and I think within a couple of months I found myself realizing that this just did not feel like a perfect fit for me. The Brit was great in so many ways. He was open to adventure, he had a bit of that Bohemian spirit that I dig so much, he was a good lover, and he could be entirely sweet sometimes. However, despite all of the positives, for some reason I just did not feel that we clicked on an interpersonal level. We didn't laugh together a lot. So many times I would tell a joke, and he would just give me a blank stare that I now refer to as "the death stare." I am a giant goofball, and he rarely ever laughed at anything. Also, he would get so offended if I playfully teased him. It's like he didn't realize that when I like someone I like to crack on them. Instead he would get upset. Yeah, completely incompatible as you can see. By the end of summer I just started to feel overwhelmingly that we were doing all these fun things, but the true connection you needed to share with someone in order to make the experiences meaningful in the moment rather than just reflectively in pictures was not there.

However, the biggest deficit in our relationship was our inability to communicate. I realized very early on that the Brit was not the kind of guy who could just agree to disagree. If I had a difference of opinion, he always became defensive and felt like I was saying he was a terrible person when in actuality I was just quite simply having an opinion. The worst was when he would get mad. He would completely shut down, and the world would go on a pause until he was over it. This might be 20 minutes, 2 hours, or 2 days. One could never tell, and over time these communication break-downs really wore on my psyche. We ended up calling it a day in September, and honestly that's where his little chapter should have ended. Instead, we did what a lot of couples do. We fell into a yo-yo cycle of being together but not being together. There was still a lot of love and care between us. I told him he was my best friend, but really I don't think that he ever was because I never felt like he really understood me or appreciated my quirks.

We continued to explore the City, spend Sundays in bed together, and travel to Niagara Falls, Atlantic City, Boston, Connecticut, and DC throughout the fall and winter. There were definitely flashes of merit. It was definitely not all bad...but it definitely was not all good. The fighting continued until I started to forget what I was so drawn to or why I wanted to keep dating this guy. I guess that is what sometimes happens when you're involved in something that you're not quite sure is right for you or not. You keep hanging in thinking it might get better and thinking about the investment and the closeness you have already created, and you start to get sad about the person possibly not being in your life anymore.

Things really hit a wall near the beginning of the year. The Brit had landed a new job and would be relocating to DC. This seemed like the turning point. I was either going to stay on board and ride this out, or I was going to get off of the bi-polar roller coaster ride that we had become. I remember the last trip we ever took together to DC in February. It was just awful. We were fighting the whole weekend, and I began to get really sad because traveling had always been the one thing we shared. We never seemed to be able to make it work in the day to day interactions of just being with one another, but we truly excelled at getting away from it all. I think when I put two and two together on that I started to realize that we were only successful in a fantasy world. We did not have the interpersonal connection or the communication necessary to survive longterm. That's why the weekend in DC was especially devastating. The apect of fun weekends away together that we had always shared was now gone, and I knew that things needed to end.

That's why on Valentine's Day they did. I remember I arrived home the night before Valentine's Day to a heart shaped box of chocolates sitting in front of the door. If things had been good between us, I would have loved this and thought this such a sweet gesture. However, I think reading one's gut is always a useful skill. My gut reaction to seeing the box of chocolates was anguish and sadness. This little red box came to symbolize me compromising myself in this interaction. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I started to see a whole big picture event inside my head where I realized if I didn't summon my courage up to end things, every Valentine's Day afterwards I would walk into Duane Reade and see that aisle full of red, heart shaped boxes of chocolates and feel like they were the reason I had continued to stay in this interaction that was so devastatingly obviously wrong for me at this point. I could just imagine myself trashing the aisle in torment, and so the sensible part of me gathered myself together and decided to call it a day with the Brit the next night over a sushi dinner in Midtown. He was sad but accepting. As I rode the subway home, I felt empty. I should have felt free, but instead I felt heartbroken. Even though I was the one who ultimately ended it, it was proof to me that the Brit had gotten to me. Despite all of the imperfections of us as a unit, I had fallen in love with him, and he had become an integral part of my life for the past year. Nonetheless I felt in my heart I had made the right choice.

When I arrived home, the Brit texted me that we should go away for the following weekend which was a three day holiday. I was a bit taken aback because we had just spent two hours discussing how this was not right. Don't think I didn't contemplate it because I really did, but ultimately I had a desperate desire to move on. I said no, and that was that. He removed himself from my phone, and I felt completely alone. That is the worst moment--when a relationship officially ends and you realize that the space that used to house everything you shared, all the intimacy, love, passion, and care is now just a vacant space that can no longer be traversed.

Honestly we tried to be friends immediately after, but there's a reason they say you should not try to be friends right after. I think doing that kills the chance to be friends in the future so take my advice that if you break up with someone, and you'd like to have them in your life later on give it at least a few months. We did not do this, and things just went from bad to worse. I found out he started dating someone and was taking them on a weekend trip away a couple of weeks later at the end of February. I really didn't have any right to be jealous especially since I was the one who had told him I didn't see a future for us. Nonetheless, this was devastating to me. I know that for some people the only way to get over someone is to become completely immersed with someone else. I'm not passing any judgments here, but I am completely the opposite. I definitely need a period of grieving and separation. I was dumbfounded as to how he could have formed this connection with someone new so quickly, and then I found out it hadn't been so sudden at all. He had actually met this girl in November. I suddenly had that feeling of "was anything between us real?" I know we had our problems, but the entire last three months I had been continuing to invest and trying to see if there was a way for it to work, and I only did this because he appeared to be doing the same. He continued to ask me to be a part of his life in DC, to come with him to visit his family in England. Perhaps people say things in desperate moments in hoping to save something, but it seems unfair when the entire last three months he was creating a back-up plan for himself.

Well, whatever the matter. It was out of my hands so I moved on. We stopped speaking, and then in April the most unexpected turn of events happened. I got a random text from my friend who told me she ran into the Brit at the engagement party of a mutual friend. I asked why he was there, and it turns out the new girl he is dating is co-workers with the engaged friend. I was flabbergasted. Are you serious? Of all the women in New York City, he's dating someone who's only two degrees of separation away from me?? I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone or more specifically my hometown. I left my small hometown in Texas to avoid circular situations like this, but nonetheless it was happening right here in this giant metropolis. New York City can feel so tiny sometimes. Further, I thought the Brit had moved to DC in April. Why was he still lingering about on the outskirts? It turns out he's now in a full fledged long distance relationship with this chick. I had an A-HA moment. He found someone to do it. I was so opposed to the long distance thing just because I felt that those rarely ever work, but when they do it's a situation that has an endpoint in sight that is built on mutual honesty, trust, and communication. Obviously we did not have the makings to be successful in that. We could barely make it work with him living in Brooklyn. But I found myself hoping that he had found someone that was better suited to him in all regards and that he was happy.

What really creeped me out though was how insanely close to my inner world this outside girl was. You know how when you discover some information after the fact, you find yourself replaying all those moments from the past in your mind, and you start to put two and two together. Once I did that, I knew exactly the night in November he had met her at a bar. I knew because after that night everything changed and we fought more and I could sense that he was less invested. Then I started to wonder if when he gave me my Christmas present with the note attached if he had given her a similar note as well. It turns out me and this girl were even at the same New Year's Eve party by way of the co-worker that we both know. I started to wonder if when he was texting a message to me on New Year's Eve saying "I love you" if he was doing the same for her. And I wondered if when he left that heart shaped box on my doorstep the night before Valentine's if he gave her the same heart shaped box only in person because he was actually spending the night with her. It's thoughts like this that really make you feel gross. And in the end I started to wonder what she had that I didn't. Why was she the one that was now in this loving and committed long distance relationship with the Brit when I had struggled for months to make it work on any functional level. The conclusion I came to is that I don't think it had anything to do with me. The base bottom line is probably that she is someone who is much more compatible with him, who can handle his mood swings or is somehow able to not bring it out of him, and someone who is entirely happy to be with him. That was never me, and because of that when I heard about my friend's run-in with him I was happy to hear that he was doing well, and I had nothing but good thoughts about him. My friend mentioned that he asked about me and had nothing but good things to say about me as well. I had hope that we might actually be friends someday.

Then...it happened. Sorry for the long pre-story, but I thought it was important for you to hear about the complexity surrounding this interaction so that you can be just as appalled as I was by what unfolded. A couple of days after the Brit ran into my friend, he emails me with a message entitled, "Favour." Basically he goes onto explain that after the run-in with my friend, his girlfriend asked how he and I met, and he ended up telling her about this here little blog. She pulled up the blog and read it, and she was upset, and he wanted to know if I would take my blog offline. What???? Is he for serious???? That was my gut reaction to that. I didn't respond immediately as I really needed to think on this. I hadn't heard from the Brit in months, and now he gets in touch to ask me to do a favor for him because what he said made his new girlfriend upset? I may not be the brightest bulb, but this just did not make any sense to me. A few hours later, he calls and leaves a message. Obviously it's pretty important for him to make sure this blog comes down. I'm thinking, "What's the rush? It's been online for over a year." When we finally talk, the Brit is cold and abrasive. I ask him if I can have a few days to think about his request because let's face it. I so clearly do not want to take my blog down. I don't even want to entertain the idea because this is not something I had an inclination to do on my own. He becomes hostile and tells me that if I don't take the blog down he's going to "make things very difficult for me." Ok, this clearly sounds like a threat. The only reason I'm not that scared is because he's British. If he were in the mafia or something I might be a bit alarmed, but he's just some guy from England. I ask him what this means, and I can sense that he has realized what this sounded like. He sort of retracts and says, "I just mean that if I see you in a social situation I'll be very cold to you." Umm...the last time I checked we're not even talking, and further this interaction is pretty straight up ice cold so what exactly is at stake here? I honestly had that sinking feeling of once having shared so much with someone now feeling like I never really knew him at all. Was it possible that I had been so in love with someone who would ask this of me?

In any event, I thought about it. Much to my chagrin I took the blog down. I know you're asking "Why?????" Or maybe you're not, but I'll tell you. In that moment, it came down to one question. What kind of interaction did I want to have with the Brit in the future? Did I see us being friends? Did I want him to be a part of my life? At the time, the answer was yes to both of those. I still thought fondly of him (yes, surprisingly even after that mildly explosive interaction). My feeling is that when you break up with someone you don't hold onto all the hurt and regret that was there at the end. Instead you hold onto the love you shared and the meaning that the person brought to your life. I met the Brit for a reason. I was with him trying to make it work with him for the better part of a year for a reason. There was obviously some energy between us, and despite anything that has happened since, I still do not believe him to be a bad person. I think he's quite a good person. He just has some issues when he does not get what he wants. Anyway, that was my thinking, and I decided to take the blog down at least while I fully processed if his request was valid or not.

These were the primary things that came up for me and what made me so incredibly annoyed with his request. First of all, the whole time we were dating he was always the type of person who abided by a "less is more" rule when it came to talking about past relationships. He said we didn't need the explicit detail. Why then did he feel the need to tell his new girlfriend that I even did this blog and also the exact name of it? Of course, she's gonna go read it. It's a woman's instinct. I know that I would have pulled it up within five minutes of hearing about it. She asked how we met. Couldn't he have just said on match.com because that is the long and short of it as far as I'm concerned. His argument is that this blog is out there, and even if it doesn't work out with this girl it's always gonna be there for him to have to explain, and he doesn't want to be a part of it. Well, my feeling about that is to let this be a learning lesson. He let too much info slip this time so be more careful in the future. Also, things are stable with this new girl now so hopefully this is not an issue. What really peeves me is that I think the Brit wants to have this great story of being in the blog because let's face it, it is kind of an interesting story, but then to not have to be accountable by having any other girls go read about it for themselves if it's hidden.

The other thing I never understood was why this girl was even upset. First of all, none of us are 15 years old here. We all have a history. I wasn't the Brit's first girlfriend, and clearly I'm not the last so I don't think she should be upset by anything we shared that took place a year ago. That's not important. What matters is that he's with her now giving her his time, attention, love, care, passion, and all of that. That's all that should matter. I'm clearly not a threat. We're not on speaking terms, and clearly she doesn't have anything I any longer want. Everyone has a past. As my good friend once said, "The past is not what's important. It's that it doesn't affect your present or your future." But I've always been a big believer in appreciating one's history, in looking back fondly on the things you gained and learned from your love affair with someone. In retrospect, I don't know if the girl was more upset about my blog and the history we had shared or about finding out there was overlap between me and her. I seriously doubt she knew I was on the scene when he met her in November, and I can imagine that finding that out took something away from her first three months with him just as me finding out about her took something away from my last three months with him. All I can say is, that's life. People make choices, and interactions sometimes become less and sometimes become more than what you originally intended.

That being said, after 10 and a half weeks of sitting silently and letting my blog lie dormant, I've realized that I want to put my blog back online. I want to preface my reasons with a little explanation. First off, I am incredibly satisfied with the fact that I abided by the Brit's wish because it gave time to cool down between him and his new girlfriend. I assume they've worked through whatever issues this caused, and I truly hope they've moved onto focusing on more important issues like nurturing their relationship and realizing that this blog has no bearing on it one way or the other. I'm also happy I waited to write this addendum because if I had done it directly in the aftermath, I would have been extremely angry, and this post would have been A LOT more mean spirited. I probably would have talked in even greater detail about the negative things I went through with the Brit with very specific examples, but I now realize that's neither here nor there. The bottom line is that there's a lot that I could say about the Brit, about us, about why we are no longer in each other's lives, but I won't because my intent in posting this blog is not to embarrass him or to cause any strain on his current relationship. In all honesty from the bottom of my open heart, I wish him all good things and for happiness in a loving relationship as that is what he truly always wanted. However, the reason I decided to put my blog back online was for three primary reasons. If I did not put it back up it would mean one of three things:

1. It would mean I regretted doing the blog, and I don't. Sure, going on 50 First Dates in NYC was maybe not the most conventional approach, and maybe some of my motivations could be called into question. I know the Brit never really got it, and the whole thing was always a constant source of tension even months after the fact. Perhaps that's why we never would have truly worked. This blog was equal parts art project, looking for love, and self exploration. I feel that I succeeded in all three areas because I finished the blog on my own terms, I came away with love as I truly was happy with the Brit in that moment, and I definitely learned so much about life and people and just dating and how simultaneously fun and draining it can sometimes be in NYC. I've had so many women tell me that they enjoyed reading about my adventures and that they gained more confidence from seeing me have a desire to be myself at any cost amidst the many men in this fine city. I cannot say I regret this blog being a result of my research and findings.

2. It would mean that I regretted dating the Brit, and I don't. Look, the long and short of it is that we were two people who had not been in love with anyone in a while who found each other and fell for each other and eventually realized that we were not right for each other. I learned so much from dating him, and I had fun. I think the biggest learning I got out of it is that I'm not sure that I am particularly relationship oriented at the moment, or perhaps I just hadn't met the right one in him. I know that I've heard that when you meet the right one, it changes your perspective, and you stop thinking so independently. Instead you start considering the other person, and you want to create something with them in mind at all times. I don't know if I ever truly felt that with the Brit. I think I wanted to, and it's hard to say if it's circumstantial or if it was him not being right for me, but I never felt free with him. I felt stifled, and I didn't feel like he liked me for me. I always felt extremely physically attractive because that is what he would comment on the most, and I'll always be grateful for the confidence he gave me in that area, but I never felt funny or interesting or smart around him, and those are really the things I would like to be valued for over physical beauty if I had to choose. Nonetheless, the Brit did give me something. He gave me an awareness of myself, the knowledge that I don't want to be with someone if I can't be myself, and he taught me how to trust myself which is why I'm putting my blog back up.

3. Finally, it would mean that I thought it was okay for him to ask me to hide my writing, and I don't. I know this is super cheesy, but we've established that I have no qualms about being that. With the approach of the 4th of July on Monday, it's gotten me to thinking about all that this entails. When the Brit first made his request, I was probaby on a personal level a little bit hurt and offended that he was asking this favor in order to make his new girlfriend feel better, but on a deeper and much more powerful level I was offended that he would ask me to mute my creative voice as an artist, a woman, and as an American. That's right. What this all boils down to is Freedom of Speech. It's right there in the first ammendment. I mean, I didn't go to law school or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's listed right there in the first one they wrote down for reasons like this. There are always going to be people saying, writing, producing, endorsing things we do not agree with. That is the fact of the matter in that there are so many people and opinions floating around this great big world. I'm happy to live in a time and place that allows me to just be me, and at this present moment I'm happy to not be dating someone who does not allow me to do so.

In a nutshell, what I shared with the Brit was real and magic. It was calm, and it was savage. It was all the things that great love stories are supposed to be. It was filled with warmth, safety, and home in its very best moments and filled with fire, resentment, and confusion in all the others. It had all the makings of a great love affair, the kind that usually do not last forever. But I'm happy to take that moment and put it into a little box, or blog, in time. That's the thing of it. This blog is so symbolic of a specific moment in my life. To me it makes me remember when I was new to New York City. A person will only ever be new to this place once, and I was happy to be able to capture all the excitement and unexpected vibrancy that peeked around every corner in almost every space of every day. I still have a great thirst for NYC, but I feel like this is home now. I feel more like NYC and I are seasoned lovers rather than just acquainted daters. I was really sad for a time after things ended with the Brit, and I had feared that the Honeymoon Phase with NYC was over, but I feel that it's somehow re-emerged. I feel really happy and alive and awakened here once more. I'm dating, I'm exploring, and most importantly I have a great circle of friends who I feel I can rely on when there's not really a special guy on the radar screen. They know who they are, and they are the ones who will always be there to hear a funny story about a really bad date, to ooh and aah over a really good date, to support me when weird requests from ex-boyfriends come in, and to get overzealously excited when prospects for new boyfriends arise.

In the end, I sincerely hope the Brit does not get in touch with me and ask me to take my blog down again. If he does, that means he's still googling my blog on a regular basis, and to that I would say, "Dude, stop googling my blog, and it'll be like it's not even there." Life is too short to worry about the things you can't control so let it go. This blog was never about him. It was about me and my exploration of dating in NYC. He just happened to become a part of it. It was never a collaborative effort. I have heard that when someone dies, the final stage in the grieving process is to write a letter to the person. I don't hope the Brit dies or anything, and I wouldn't say this post is specifically to him, but I think it was therapeutic to tell the story as I saw it. He would probably have a different version, but for what it's worth, I think this is more neutral than it would have been three months ago. Also, I thought about my original compliance of taking down the blog in that I envisioned being friends with the Brit in the future. I kind of know that by putting my blog back up and writing this addendum, it probably means I will never see or speak to him again. I have to be okay with that at this point. A friend of mine once gave me some good advice. "You can't take everyone with you." As nice as it would be, sometimes certain people are better left as chapters in your past. If I could only say one more thing to the Brit it would be, thank you for all that we shared and all that you gave to me. I hope you have found or eventually do find someone who appreciates you just for you. You were not just part of a project. And with that I think I'm finally out of words for him and for this post. Finally, finally I am free...let it ring! Happy Independence Day!!